I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
