if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize