my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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