I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
