just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize