I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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