i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
