I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
