please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
