I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
