I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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