I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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