just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My bed smells like the plague
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