because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
