I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
