I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
