I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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