Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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