I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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