The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
