I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
