plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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