I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
