I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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