Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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