Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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