got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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