i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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