i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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