There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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