At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need water and some morals
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
