god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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