i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
