i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We had sex on a dog bed..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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