i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Everyone says I win the strip club
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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