my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think I sprained my soul last night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
