I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
