after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
