This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
