Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
