the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
