laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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