DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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