My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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