I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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