I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
