god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
