Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
