seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
