??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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