my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize