I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
