I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
