I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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