I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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