Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sorry my hands just texted you
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
