I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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