my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
