we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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