so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
